I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize