Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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