I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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