My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
