there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
