no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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