omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
