shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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