yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
