you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And then he peed in my hair
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