im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
