I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize