He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
