I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
