Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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