i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize