so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I see more hoeing in ur future
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
