I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize