You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
