i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
