Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
