um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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