i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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