saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize