Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
