Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
