I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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