I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
