I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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