I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize