he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
