im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
