I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Randomize
