Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize