Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
