when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
