While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
