i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
