We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
