So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
