If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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