Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
