Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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