Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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