So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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