I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Randomize
