flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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