Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
