Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
