I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize