I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
