The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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