Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize