i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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