The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
