I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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