Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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