There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the condom got lost in my hair
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This is the high leading the old right now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
