Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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