a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize