dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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