my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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