Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
