Your dad touched me again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
